No, I'm not okay...
...and somedays that is the best that I can do.
I am not one of those people who go online and portray my life or social media to be a shining rainbow of good times and sunshine. I AM REAL. This summer in particular, has been a very real, very raw, sometimes happy, very painful, and trying season. Don't get me wrong-we've had our fun. I learned how to BBQ for the first time in my life. We've been to the pool many times, we had a visit from my mother in New York, we've had date nights, stay-in nights, been to concerts, nature camp, horseback riding, baked some goodies, and have visited with family and friends. By all accounts its been a busy, happy, productive summer.
However, I have spent a lot of time upset, frustrated, and emotional. How do the kids say it these days, "all up in my feelings"...lol I feel like I am drowning some days. I can't say or do anything right. Trying to strike just the right balance that will satisfies the needs of my son, with the comfort level and security of my daughter, without upsetting my husband, and still have my own peace of mind. I don't if my son is going to be happy or angry from one moment to the next. I don't know what part of the day is a "good time" for anything. As much as I think I have life all figured out by now, I get hit with the reality that I really don't. I cannot predict what will happen 10 minutes from now most days lately. Let alone try to plan for an upcoming school year, or my son's long term future. What will he be like? Will he need more help than I can provide? If he does, why? If I am his mother, why the hell can't I fix it? If not me or his father, then who? Who is going to come wave their magical wand and save the day? NOBODY. That's life. I am a responsible adult. I can do it myself. That is what I tell myself on the days I think I know it all. But those other days...the ones where I can't find air, I'm suffocating and I don't want to do anything but get in my car and get lost.
THOSE DAYS ARE BRUTAL.
Over the past 20 years some people have conjured up this false perception that my life is a magical fairytale and I am the princess who has it made. I have my knight in shining armor, who rescued me, made all my dreams come true and I moved from a college town in Central New York, to the paradise of Southern California. I don't "work"...after all, I stay home, raise my kids, watch the piles of money growing outside my Orange County door all day....HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Sorry-so not true. My husband works extremely long hours, comes home, plays ball with my son, peeks in on my daughter, has a bite to eat, and we lay in bed in exhaustion. Of course, this is normal for most families these days. I run the household and stay home to take care of our kids, our home, and everything that goes along with that. Anyone with an autistic child knows the toll that my son's appointments, behavioral therapies, IEP, and school life, take on a family. So, am I blessed? Absolutely. I have a wonderful husband and 2 beautiful kids. I live in So Cal, where the sun is always shining, the ocean is blue, and rich people are everywhere. It's a beautiful existence. But inside our four walls, when things get as dark as they do, it doesn't matter where we are. We could be in the middle of Antartica or lost at sea for all it matters. At the end of the day, I don't go to the ocean very much. I wish I could, but I just don't have the time. I don't mingle with the rich and famous. I know my tribe-and trust me, they are not it. I have a circle of friends that is there on good days, bad days, and everything in between. So, I feel pretty rich anyways. There is nothing and no one who could ever replace them. And no one I could ever imagine navigating through life with besides my knight in shining armor who swooped in on his white horse. (aka Ryan)
I am learning to focus on the here and now. Today. Not what happened yesterday. Not what is going to happen tomorrow or the next day. Being present for today is a big job. So, in all of my funk and sadness, I am focusing on the fact that today started rough, but is ending well. We've went from 0 to 100, back to 0 and I am holding on tight to that. There is one more day of summer left for us. I am looking forward to schedules, routines, and structure. I am eager for earlier wake up times, earlier bedtimes, and eraser shavings all over my dining room table. For my son's overnight field trips, for my daughter's first days in high school, and for the peace in knowing that on the days and nights when I'm not okay, we're not okay, or one of us stumbles and falls, that's okay. <3